Animal house

The other night I woke up at about 3:00 AM and had trouble falling back asleep. I was comfortable, the room was cool, and I was certainly tired, but I couldn’t take my attention off the noises coming from the apartment upstairs. I’m not sure what was going on, but I believe that either pack animals or retards were having sex because the noises I heard were like nothing I have ever heard on film or in person. There were grunts, groans, whimpers, loud outbursts, thumps, and the sounds of furniture being dragged across the floor, all interspersed by periods of silence. I don’t know how you feel but I was really hoping some donkeys had snuck upstairs to have sex;  however, there were no hoof prints on the windows, no hay or carrot stubs left on the stairs. Apparently one or more of the participants upstairs had to be mentally challenged because no human with an IQ of 70 or up could grunt and moan like that. To be fair, it seemed like they were having a good time, or at least playing with a lighthouse fog horn and practicing their pig calls as they shuffled the bed across the floor above my head.

I’m not sure how or when I became the moral authority in my building, but I think I’m going to have to go all Martin Luther on everyone’s ass and nail some rules to the front door.

They will be as follows:

-No donkeys allowed on the premises

-No retard sex

-No moving of furniture after 11 PM

-No going through my trash

-No having hookers over

If you have any other suggestions for regulations please let me know.